An Open Letter To Frustrated Fans,

(National Post)

You drop whatever amount a ticket is in your respective city. $100 $200 $800 whatever the hell it is.  You spend good money on a personalized sweater.  What’s a game without snacks, maybe some alcohol or a stop to the team store.  The grand total for an average hockey game is more than I can imagine, more than most of us can imagine.  

SO WHY IN GOOD HELL DO YOU THROW YOUR SWEATER ON THE ICE?

Fuck off.  Seriously.  

So what?  Your team sucks.  I jumped on the Flames bandwagon post-2007.  You know that moment when where shit spiraled down to the saddest depths?  Yeah, that’s time time that I chose to be a fan of the team.  If I managed to not even stomp my foot, you sure as hell can keep your shirt on.  

GODDAMNIT KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON!  

You’re not inspiring.  You’re not inventive.  You’re not motivational.  You’re less inspiring than that vaguely inspiring Netflix commercial!  

Is that sweater on the ice going to score a goal?  Is it going to block a shot?  Is it going to do anything but make you look like a giant ass?  No, it’s not.  Pull your shit together and watch the team.  And if you can’t keep your clothes on, stay home.  Read a book.  Check back in with the team after a rebuild.  And if you’re an Oilers fan, go ahead and check in another decade or so.  

Hug and kisses and kicks to the shins,

Cait Monster

PS A sweater, just left there on the ice, is the saddest image.  It's like a deflated balloon.  Or a weirdly colored octopus.