This list of men have many things: great talent, extensive suspensions, a thatch you pray never is duplicated for merkin use, a set of twins.
What this list doesn’t have? SOULS!
Sure, plenty have made lists about the gingers of the NHL but how many have ranked them by the level of soullessness. Here’s a lovely list of gingers based on their level of soul possession.
Cody Eakin: The baby of the list, therefore he’s the highest on the list. He has had the least time as a ginger, leaving him the most of a soul. A shred of soul has given him a spot on the Dallas Stars. His flowing hair peeks out of his helmet and is an explosion of red when it pops off during a fight, and reminds me of Shaun White as he floats through the sky.
Riley Nash: The Ginger Brothers (Staals) were going to make an appearance on this list, but Baby Nash bumped them off the list because while they have a strawberry blonde thing going on, Baby Nash has a nice shock of ginger going on. Plus, this list only needs one Carolina Hurricane and the honor should go to the most soulless of the bunch.
Brian Campbell: Now I know, I know the guy has won the Lady Byng Trophy, but that doesn’t mean he has a soul, it’s an award for sportsmanship. Shane Doan won the Mark Messier Leadership Award and he’s the second shittiest captain out there (Ovechkin is the worst), the hardware isn’t exactly rock solid proof. His vacant eyes are highlighted by his fluffy beard and untamed flow, letting you peer into the dark hole where a soul should be located.
Cody McLeod: This undrafted Colorado Avalanche winger is most known for grabbing an octopus from the ice and flinging it back onto the ice. ANY ONE who can grab a cephalopod and fling it without flinching has got to be analyzed for lack of soul. The gap in his teeth is still smaller than his soul gap too.
Claude Giroux: He’s the Ginger Jaromir Jagr. With those squinty eyes and gapped tooth grin, you can’t help but think of the lumbering winger! The difference? Jagr still has a soul (pretty sure he stores it in his bum) and Giroux does not. No matter how many assists he racks up, there’s no making up for that lack of soul.
Henrik Sedin: Despite being a twin, Henrik is being ranked slightly less soulless than his brother only because he has a receding hairline. He’s a ginger. He’s a twin. He’s going bald. Creepy, creepy, sympathy spot boost.
Daniel Sedin: Copy and paste previous statements but remove all mentions of sympathy towards the balding.
Cory Schneider: The Vancouver Canucks starting/backup goalie is only ranked this hight because he somehow managed to change the collective NHL fans’ opinion of Roberto Luongo in the span of an off season. His gingeryness has convinced us all that Luongo is a pretty rad character who deserves the respect and fans, all of the jabs and insults have fall into the vacant space for Schneider’s soul.
Raffi Torres: Ha! Y’all thought I was ranking him #1, did you? Despite leading the group in suspensions, his gingeryness isn’t the reason. He’s just a straight up asshole. Showing up to parties in blackface, hitting guys in the head, general asshattery, these are not signs of a ginger! The barren wasteland where his soul should be is a literal Black Hole, sucking in all that is good as well as his common sense. Torres gives gingers a bad name and therefore is not rewarded with the number one spot.
Scott Hartnell: His floppy red curls, his shit-eating grin, all of it makes you want to reach out and slap him. Which is exactly what all gingers want you to do, because your hands will burn at the touch of their skin. Coming in contact with all that pasty whiteness can’t be good for a non-ginger’s health. Hartnell’s inability to stand on his own two feet whilst out on the ice is further proof of his soullessness: Jagr’s soul (located in his bum as previously mentioned) keeps him grounded and balanced, Hartnell’s lack of soul in his bum makes him a target for falling over. And the worst of it all? The NHL parades him around, like they are proud to have a ginger poster child. Hartnell should learn to be like the other gingers and dwell under a bridge until game time.
I’m sure you’re going to disagree with me, be disappointed I left someone off the list, or are annoyed that I poked fun at your favorite player. Oh well. You can kiss my butt.