2013 Stanley Cup Anti-Previews: Round 2

The first round is behind us in the sense that it was yesterday and the second round in before us in the sense that it is already going on as I type this summary. Despite the impossible timelines I am proud to bring you my analysis of the second round.

The first round is behind us in the sense that it was yesterday and the second round in before us in the sense that it is already going on as I type this summary. Despite the impossible timelines I am proud to bring you my analysis of the second round.

Eastern Conference

#1 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. #7 Ottawa Senators

This is an interesting matchup because the Penguins struggled to overcome the mighty New York Islanders and newly revealed superhero John Tavares. Meanwhile the Senators managed to stop being incredibly boring in the wake of the Habs descent into villainy. The Pens will have to show that they can overcome another mediocre team without their absurd egos popping and getting Lemieux-goo all over the shitty parts of Pennsylvania.

Players to watch:

• Sidney Crosby will stop preparing to rescue Canadian from World Cup embarrassment after seeing that the US lost to Slovakia by three goals to one.
• If Douglas Murray is able to sustain his high shooting percentage through the playoffs look for the Predators to play opposite Sergei Kostitsyn on the power play.
• Craig Anderson looked really good in the first round and even better on paper, look him to continue posting stunning numbers while facing off against Crosby, Malkin, Iginla, Neal, and Douglas Murray.
• Emboldened by the first round Mika Zibanejad will forgo wearing skates and opt for a pair of soccer boots.

 Prediction: Fleury in, Vokoun sad

#4 Boston Bruins vs. #6 New York Rangers
The Rangers overcame an awful team while being awful themselves. Fortunately for New York they are significantly less awful than the Capitals. Meanwhile the Bruins needed seven games to overcome the Maple Leafs. So they’re screwed.
Players to Watch:

• Rich Peverley has had a quite post-season so far. He’s enjoying himself. Yes, that is him over there sipping the Mai Tai.
• In order to try and get the secondary scoring going Claude Julien will have Tyler Seguin and Anton Khudobin swap positions because Seguin’s got a killer shutout streak going.
• If Brad Richards and Rick Nash were one player their stats would be 1 goal and 3 points and a + 1 through 7 games. So, that’s funny.
• Derick Brassard will continue to be successful in the playoffs forever proving that the one element the Columbus Blue Jackets were missing was a good hockey team.

Prediction: Maple Leafs in 6

Western Conference

#1 Chicago Blackhawks vs. #7 Detroit Red Wings

Instead of showing any LA vs. San Jose the NHL and NBC will opt to just replay the previous Hawks and Wings matchup. An interesting fact is that every Blackhawk has appeared in five games in the previous series. Well, if you count Carcillo and Bollig as one player, and why wouldn’t you?

Players to Watch:

• Joel Quenneville may respond to the Wings play by telling Viktor Stalberg to use his “Viking Magicks” to vanquish whatever dark spirit Mike Babcock summoned to make his team good.
• Johnny Oduya will be particularly disheartened by Quenneville’s request because no one ever remembers that he’s Swedish.
• The only Red Wing to have played fewer minutes than last-minute rookie Danny DeKeyser is playoff enthusiast Jordin Tootoo. Glad you got your wish, buddy.
• Jimmy Howard will cement himself as the second best American keeper named Howard.

Prediction: NBC in 7

#5 Los Angeles Kings vs. #6 San Jose Sharks

In expected fashion the Kings fulfilled the sacred duty bestowed upon 29 NHL teams of eliminating the St Louis Blues from the playoffs. Good on them. After having to look up whom the Sharks beat in round I can easily say that the Sharks are going to lose in the second round. Fans should also be excited that NBC will move up the puck drop time to 3:00am Mountain, Never Eastern.

Players to Watch

• During game 3 Dustin Penner will premier his new web series where he wraps foods in breakfast foods and reviews them.
• Darryl Sutter will attempt to motivate his team to take more shots by threatening that if they don’t put more pucks on net that he will ship them off to Russia with Mike Keenan.
• Scott Gomez is in the playoffs still.
• Todd McLellan will be very worried in game one after Logan Couture asks the coach why that chubby defenseman never leaves the Kings’ crease.

I'll be in bed, so someone'll have to make this call for me.