2012 Stanley Cup Anti-Preview (Part 1)

It can't come as much of surprise that a year later we find ourselves once again poised on the mind searing edge of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. By now you've probably read about half a dozen different Playoff prediction blogs and articles. Guess what, all of them are terrible and we both know it. Oh, the Penguins have a good offense? How about the fact that some people question the quality of Florida's goal tending and think the Kings lack scoring depth. This is the season when pundits and bloggers like to act like pre-Lutheran clergy issuing wafers of knowledge that they invite you to dip in their mind salsa. In response to their actions I offer my completely and utterly useless playoff previews.

Eastern Conference:

#1 New York Rangers vs. #8 Ottawa Senators

This match-up is likely one of the most difficult pairings in the Eastern Conference. Both teams are really awful with the Rangers being the Rangers and the Senators just being deceptively awful. Still, I’m just see things going in favor of the Rangers because Henrik Lundqvist is about 100x’s better looking than Craig Anderson. The lights reflecting off of his dazzling Swedish smile has a reasonable change of blinding Spezza and whoever else plays for Ottawa.

Prediction: Ottawa in 4

Players to Watch:

• Artem Anisimov will spend most of the series as a healthy scratch after reporting to as an emergency call up for the Russian National Rifle Team.
• Martin Biron will be forced to start at least one game after Henrik Lundqvist gets tricked into helping Sean Avery move.
• Brandon Prust’s head is and will continue to be shaped liked a bullet.
• Craig Anderson will be the most successful Illinois born Ottawa Senators goalie to ever appear in the first round of the NHL Playoffs against the New York Rangers.
• Erik Karlsson will be forced to kill a penalty, thereby securing the Conn Smythe.
• Several Senators players will show up to game one in New York wearing their national team jersey under the impression that Madison Square Garden was hosting the World Championships.

#2 Boston Briuns vs. #7 Washington Capitals

Fans aren’t usually treated to such a powerhouse matchup this early in the Playoffs. Last year’s Stanley Cup champions will have to contend with the perennial flameouts that are the Washington Capitals. You might say that Boston had the advantage with the grit and goaltending depth needed to win a playoff series while Washington has the ghost of Tomas Vokoun and Braden Holtby.

Prediction: Washington in 1

Players to Watch:

• Milan Lucic is 23, but at the face of a much older, uglier man. He scares children.
• The Capitals’ pool of regret over Joel Ward’s hilarious contract will turn into an ocean of sorrow during the playoffs as fans realize the Caps could’ve signed Tomas Kopecky instead.
• Keith Aucoin as 7 fewer points than Ward in 46 fewer games. Aucoin will further this lead over Ward since the perennial AHL call up will actually play.
• Seriously, that Joel Ward contract was just bad. So, so bad.

#3 Florida Panthers vs. #6 New Jersey Devils

Despite being in sixth place the Devils have 8 more points and more regulation wins than the Panthers, but these teams are more alike than anyone would think. The Devils are packed with top tier talent while the Panthers are pack with guys they pay like top tier talent. Both teams have spent a huge amount of their time in the shoot out, albeit with the Devils winning and the Panthers losing. I predict that every game of this series will go to double overtime and the teams will becoming increasingly unorganized due to the coaching staffs’ fixation on perfecting their shootout orders.

Prediction: New Jersey in 4 

Players to Watch:

• The Devils will be forced to call up Jeff Frazee after Brodeur mysteriously goes missing. The Quebecois goaltender will later be found relaxing in his room at Villa Maria Nursing Center. He will have no recollection as to how he ended up in North Miami.
• Despite having passed his 581^st birthday Marcel Goc will put in his strongest playoff performance ever, and team depth will be important for the Panthers in order to sate Goc’s thirst.

#4 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. #5 Philadelphia Flyers

One could call this the Series of Blood. But really it is difficult to make fun of this series because even if one teams sweeps the other fans are going to witness four brutal games. The Pens would seem to have most of the advantages, but the Flyers have shown the ability to adapt and take advantage of their depth. Philly also has the edge in employing several possible psychopaths including Ilya Bryzgalov, Zac Rinaldo, and Peter Laviolette.

Prediction: Flyers in 1

Players to Watch:

• Please don’t watch Evgeni Malkin too closely. Isn’t that right Lucic? You know what I’m talking about.
• Steve Sullivan’s huggability could be a liability on the ice. It’ll be interesting to see if the forward can overcome that obstacle
• I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Bryzgalov sent out his dog in his place to play at least one game.
• Due to injuries the Flyers will be forced to stitch together a brand new defenseman made up of parts from Chris Pronger, Andre Meszarios, and Ian Lapperriere’s heart. It will only want to be loved, and poutine….

Western Conference:

#1 Vancouver Canucks vs. #8 Los Angeles Kings

The Kings have the chance to become instant heroes by knocking out the Canucks. The team’s stingy defensive play could give the up-tempo Canucks a real headache. More flash than substance, this matchup is really just like the Tron sequel, a battle between the Vanocuver system lords and the scrappy users. I don’t know, maybe that’s Stargate. I admit I’m really not trying all that hard.

Prediction: Vancouver in a wink and a nod

 Players to Watch: 

• I predict Mike Richards to lead the Kings in goal scoring in the first round with three.
• A healthy Jeff Carter will return to the Kings allowing the team to win the series because apparently this team lives and dies by a trade deadline acquisition.
• Alexandre Burrows will cement the Canucks’ reputation as a dirty team due to what will be later referred to as “lining up for the anthems in an aggressive manner.”
• Ryan Kesler will rock the hockey world when he comes out for Game 3 warm-ups wearing nothing but mesh and hockey gloves. Later this year his fellow Canucks players will burn Christmas cards addressed from Kesler without bothering to check what is inside.
• Henrik Sedin will be ejected from game 5 after the War Room in Toronto rule that “ice dragon” isn’t an acceptable form of water. Daniel will reportedly be annoyed because “Henrik kept copying me, he had it coming.”

#2 St Louis Blues vs. #7 San Jose Sharks

This series is difficult to call because the blues simply are not allowed to be successful in the playoffs and the Sharks are pretty mediocre at hockey. If San Jose were able to trick the Blues into competing on a reality show set rather than the ice I would give the edge to the Californian team. Beyond that I expect the Blues to get eliminated in the second round.

Prediction: Sharks in 5

Players to Watch:

• In the first round it will finally be revealed that Antti Niemi moved back to Finland at the end of last season and ever since the Niemi in goal for the Sharks is actually a pair of highly skilled little people. Doug Wilson will later extend their contract for an additional three seasons.
• The Blues aren’t a terribly funny team, but they do employ both Jamie Lagenbrunner and Jason Arnott, which I find hilarious.

#3 Phoenix Coyotes vs. #6 Chicago Blackhawks

The Western Conference playoffs consist of the Canucka, the Central Division, and confused whale, a bowl of petunias, and Mike Smith. While the Sharks and Kings (i.e. whale and bowl of flowers) are considered to be mere mustard stains on the lapels of the higher ranked teams, the series between Chicago and Phoenix actually has the potential for fun and excitement. One team has scoring depth, the other does not; one team has goaltending, the other will play Corey. It could be fun.

Prediction: Who cares, but I bet it’ll go to 6

 Players to Watch

• As the hockey equivalent of Benjamin Button I expect Ray Whitney to lead the offensive charge against the Blackhawks.
• Conversely I’d be surprised if Patrick Kane makes it through the series without getting picked up by a truant officer.

#4 Nashville Predators vs. #5 Detroit Red Wings

Likely the West’s premier 1^st round matchup, since neither of the teams are particularly bad unless the game is being played outside of Detroit. If Ken Hitchcock referred to Barry Trotz as Darth Vader, which would make Babcock George Lucas and the Red Wings the Gungans. This is sad in a way since the only person that loves the Gungans is George Lucas. In this metaphor Pavel Datsyuk would be Qui-Gon Jinn. Really the only team in the playoffs that could beat the Predators would be a combination of Brad Marchand and Zdeno Chara.

Prediction: Nashville in however long it takes

Players to Watch:

• Kevin Klein won’t shave his mohawk until the Predators are eliminated from the playoffs or he’s invited to join The Casualties on second guitar.
• Roman Josi will emerge as the Predators leader for the Conn Smythe, although the trophy will be renamed the Roman Josi A Serious Case of the Handsomes Trophy.
• Drew Miller will finally admit the reason his hair is graying was because he made direct eye contact with Shea Weber.
• Valterri Filppula will be revealed as a sleeper agent for an extremist Finnish organization. Upon being exposed Filppula will attempt to rally Datsyuk and Radulov to war against both Nashville’s and Detroit’s Swedish players.