The NHL Mercy Rule

During any one of the recent trouncing defeats of the Columbus Blue Jackets by basically any team in the entire NHL I decided that the NHL could do more to address the struggling team in the league. Out of this brief thought I constructed a series of new additions the NHL rulebook; these new rules will now and forever be known as the Mercy Rules.

Mercy Rule:

1.1  As teams are statistically eliminated from the playoffs through the course of regular season play they enter the Draft Pool. The longer a team is in the draft pool the more points the team can acquire. The most points can be earned by beating teams that are either in the playoffs or are still in the playoff race. Further, points can also be earned in smaller amounts for such things as beating other Draft Pool teams, serving coffee and bagels to protestors, or volunteering to write the puns for the front page of NHL.com. At the end of the season the draft order will be calculated based around total number of points with the first spot going to the team with the most points and the fourteenth spot going to the team with the least points. The rankings will then posted outside each team’s respective gym and practice arena as well as on the walls of local therapist offices.

    1.1a Alternatively general managers will have the option to visit NHL headquarters and spend their                       points on various prizes.

1.2  If when a team that has been statistically eliminated from the playoffs is being beaten by a playoff caliber team, the coach as the option of summoning one of the on ice officials and declaring that the game is a “shinny.” At this point the score is officially recorded as 0-3 in favor of the opposing team, hitting will be disallowed, and cocoa will be served during the TV timeouts.

1.3  Teams that are clearly not going to make the playoffs will be given a Trade Deadline grace period so that the general manager is given enough time to snap out of the fantasy world in which he’s obviously been spending all his time. During the grace period eliminated teams will be allowed to only trade with playoff or playoff bubble teams (real bubble teams, sit back down Jim).

1.4  During the final two weeks of the NHL regular season all waiver rules will be suspended for eliminated teams. Such action will allow for coaches and managers to prove to fans that “No, we would actually be worse if we just called up our entire AHL team.”

1.5  As soon as a team is statistically eliminated from the playoffs the NHL will provide all players with complimentary service from a travel agent. Any player that on an eliminated team that is nominated for any of the NHL’s awards will receive two extra drink tickets if they make the short list for the NHL’s award show in Las Vegas.