2013 Stanley Cup Anti-Previews: Round 1

Wow, not only was I surprised by the regular season being over so quickly, I was also shocked when I read that the post-season started on the 30th of April. I never pre-write so in the span of less than 24 hours I managed to assemble a quick and gritty guide to the first round of the 2013 Stanley Cup Playoffs. No pictures or graphics in this one, but everything that matters is here.

Eastern Conference 

#1 Pittsburgh Penguins vs #8 New York Islanders

Thing could not have gone better for the Islanders as they will square off against the Penguins in their first post season appearance in franchise history. The Penguins are backstopped by noted swearing enthusiast and occasional playoff caliber goaltender Marc-Andre Fluery while the Islanders feature a goalie tandem that likely commutes to Uniondale everyday.

Players to watch:

• Evgeni Nabakov gained a reputation for his elite playoff form. Hopefully he brings similar fortune to the Islanders that the Russia keeper brought to the Sharks.
• Having mostly played for terrible teams during the length of his career, Marty Reasoner continues that streak.
• After completing the series without sustaining any additional injuries Sidney Crosby will be released back into the wild after a touching ceremony on the Serengeti of Nova Scotia.
• Ignoring all the critcism surrounding Chris Kunitz it is interesting to note that he’s never played for an NHL whose logo wasn’t a bird or a witch making stew.

Pens in LOL Islanders 

#2 Montreal vs. #7 Ottawa Senators

This Northeastern Division matchup is interesting because despite being generally poor there are four Northeastern teams in the Eastern Conference Playoffs. I haven’t gotten to watch much Eastern hockey this year, but I have no doubt that the better team will win this series. They have the ideal combination of skill and grit that a team needs in order to be effective. It also helps when your team is full of hulking defenseman and whatever the hell Karlsson is made out of.

Players to watch:

• Erik Karlsson is a robot man constructed in whatever the Swedish equivalent of Area 51 is. He will crave oil and glory for Roombas everywhere.
• Watch for the Canadiens to pay special attention to Jakob Silfverberg as they attempt to knock one of the extra consonants out of his name.
• If Carey Price is able to find his game except Peter Budaj to begin dressing like a cowboy in hopes of tricking his way into some ice time. At the moment this doesn’t project to be an issue.
• Bandwagon Canadiens fans will be quickly disenfranchised after being handed Jarred Tindori sherseys when they expected some tasty chicken.

Remember when the Hulk gets mad and smashes little things? That's sort of like this series. Ottawa in however long the Habs manage to hold on. 

#3 Washington Capitals vs. #6 New York Rangers

After streaking their way into the playoffs going 8-1-1 in their last ten games, a lot of people are picking the Caps to take the series. The Capitals are coming charging out of the Southeast, having been battle-hardened by the likes of Ondrej Pavelec and a team slightly better than the Flyers. Still, it would be foolish to count out the Rangers as they will manage to ice the only competent goalie between the two teams.

Players to Watch:

• Without the pressure of having to lead the offense expect Martin Erat to continue to be known for his sharp passing and koala-like sense of goal scoring.
• Mike Ribero looks likes a weird, French Abed Nadir.
• Media, fans, and players alike will be shock when it is revealed that a fan stole Mats Zuccarello’s identity during the “Blueshirts off our backs” ceremony last Saturday. Brad Richards will be quoted as saying, “It put me right off goal scoring.”
• With no regard for his teammates Ryan Callahan will quit the time in the middle of game three and declare that he will pursue his one true love, pizza.

They say the cream rises to the top. Sadly, the Capitals aren't very creamy. Rangers in 6 

Western Conference

#1 Chicago Blackhawks vs. #8 Minnesota Wild

Chicago has spent a lot of time this season being incredibly dominant with the tandem of Corey Crawford and Ray Emery shocking everyone by being consistently good enough. Meanwhile the Wild managed to trip on the threshold of the Playoffs but then pull off one of those stumble-jog maneuvers that are supposed to make you look casual but never fools anyone. This series should be hilarious.

Players to Watch

• Packed with Playoff veterans the Wild are still pretty bad, but that’s ok because Ryan Suter really needs to get back to his farm before planting season is totally a wash.
• Many of the other Playoff veterans comes from the Sharks so they really don’t count.
• Corey Crawford and Ray Emery will pull some Wonder Twins shit and form an ice wall guarded by elephant. Seriously, their numbers during the regular season were just wrong.
• During an interview after sweeping the Wild, Jonathan Toews will be quoted as saying, “Well, Saaders hasn’t lifted the Cup yet so we thought we’d go ahead and make a run.” Reporters will then inquire about the strange Stanley Cup shaped object that everyone in the locker room keeps throwing their used towels in.

The Blackhawks have already won the war, the battles don't matter much. 

#2 Anaheim Ducks vs. #7 Detroit Red Wings

When it comes to the Pacific any one of those teams could top the division in any given season assuming we aren’t talking about the Coyotes or the Stars. The Ducks managed to put in a consistent season of very good play, which is really great and I’m sure they’ll feel really rad about that once the Red Wings stomp all over them.

Players to Watch

• Continuing with his theme through the season keep one eye on Ken Holland as he tries to sneak Nick Lidstrom back on the ice during the National Anthem.
• Also, where the hell is Datsyuk? He’s behind you scoring goals in your kitchen. Go make him some stew, don’t be a jerk.
• I’m not entirely sure what team Matt Lombardi plays for anymore. If someone sees him could you ask for me?
• Viktor Fasth will have a lot on his shoulders this year as he alone leads the Ducks in respectable haircuts. He’ll have to condition daily if the Ducks are going to pull through.

 I don't know, Wings in 5? Why not.

#3 Vancouver Canucks vs. #6 San Jose Sharks

The easiest thing to say about this first round matchup is that it is a meeting of chronic Cup chokers. Fortunately for the Canucks the Sharks are barely better than the Wild. Fortunately for the Sharks the Canucks are much worse than the Blackhawks. In reality no one outside of the respective fan bases cares even a little about this series. If you were insulted by that comment that is ok, no one cared about the Predators-Coyotes series either so I’m right there with you.

Players to Watch:

• You think I’m going to say something about Robert Luongo don’t you? Well I’m not.
• Just like every year the whole post-season will hinge on the Sedin brothers and their willingness to drag around the pack of assholes that fills out the Canucks roster.
• Having finally decided to remove Patrick Marleau from his fantasy roster expect Alain Vigneault to leave the Sharks forward unmarked for the first two games of the series.
• American Hero Joe Pavelski will be harshly citizen by the Canadian media for playing the entire series shirtless and without pads. Pavelski will scold reporters by pointing out that how else was going to show off his tattoo of an eagle devouring a whale.

The Canucks in 6 and the Sharks also in 6 

#4 St Louis Blues vs. #5 Los Angeles Kings

Easily the most anticipated matchup in the Western Conference finals, this series is going to be exciting as two gritty teams crash against one another like a pair of massive waves. And much like real waves they are not very good at scoring goals. Fortunately both sides feature strangely inconsistent goaltending, something I’m sure was set up at the beginning of the season just to keep things interesting.

Players to Watch:

• When last we saw him Ken Hitchcock was having a closed door meeting with his goaltenders. The sound of saws and scotch tape lead me to believe he’s attempting to assemble Halak, Allen, and Elliot into a single, serviceable goaltender.
• What is sadder: a highly skilled player never seeing the Stanley Cup Playoffs, or a highly skilled player who has never appeared in more than seven Playoff games? Either way the answer is Jay Bouwmeester.
• Anze Kopitar will spend much of the time between games in the series being sized for a chain to which he will attach the Stanley Cup just to show the rest of the league that he doesn’t need international hockey to be better than you.
• Having already captured the Silver Solo Cup with his Beer Pong team, Jeff Carter will score another dozen goals in the first round with enough time to get his highlights touched up before the second.

 Kings in one more than it should take for them to put the Blues away.