I was going to refrain from writing about the All Star Game because, well, we all know I hate fun. That I’d prefer to sit in a dark corner and listen to Jim Hughson read a list of players names than partake in any contrived fun event. And seriously, we've been talking about Columbus hosting the All Star Weekend for what feels like a decade.
But then I saw the NHL’s announcement this morning and I had to say something:
Oh, it's happening. The #NHLAllStar Weekend will feature the inaugural NHL Mascot Showdown. http://t.co/wm3hmf1ylC pic.twitter.com/jI42u3LE1M
— NHL (@NHL) January 21, 2015
Yes. The NHL is going to have the NHL mascots battle it out on the ice for reasons unknown. Prior to the talent show portion the poor mascots will be playing hockey. I get the point of hauling the poor mascots to Columbus, they are a great activity for the kids and make for great entertainment with minimal effort.
But if you have to roll out the mascots on skates, are you getting a little desperate for viewers? Do you hate those poor interns in the costumes? Is the furry convention in town that weekend too?
I cringe any time I see those running sausages or presidents during the MLB season. It’s really not a fun moment. You’re telling me the bottom heavy Victor E Green is going to be able to hold a stick to the ice? Zdeno Chara is going to find all of his sticks missing.
And oh god. The emergency fund will be tapped dry from therapy bills before the event ends if one or more of the mascot heads pops off. Those poor children will be devastated to learn Gnash is a philosophy major from the Vanderbilt or something.
Call me crazy for thinking hockey shouldn’t be this complicated. Just because the other three major sports have All Star Games, or variations of them, doesn’t mean the NHL needs to follow suit. At least twice a day I see that dumb meme about why hockey or hockey players are better than all other sports because grit; I’d be accepting of one that ranks the NHL as better than another because they smartened up and ditched the dumb event. But I digress. This is about wobbly mascots and those dangers.
So goodbye YoungStars Game, hello polyester and chicken wire champions. I won’t be watching this calamity.